Today marks our anniversary.  I remember after YM proposed to me, he brought me back to my apt in Philly.  That's where he carried out the second part of his proposal.  He ended up washing my feet as a way to symbolize how he wanted to serve me in our marriage.....the way Christ loved the church.  That's the love that was demonstrated to me during our 7-1/2 yrs of marriage and it was an honor for me to become his hands and feet as he faced his last days on earth.  Happy Anniversary YM.

I officially moved out of my house yesterday.  I've planned this move for an entire year.  I spent many many months decluttering my house, putting it on the market, cleaning it obsessively for showings, and all the drama that followed after the house sale.  After the movers got all my stuff out & the house was cleaned up, I was getting ready to leave.....only to find myself not wanting to leave.  My car was loaded up and I was about to walk out the door.  Then I took one more glance at the house and all I can see was images of YM sitting in his favorites spots around the house.  Even though we lived here for only 3-1/2 yrs, so much happened.  Our lives turned upside down during our time here.  I always considered this home as the "house of mourning."  So much of our lives was enveloped by YM's cancer and his death.  I took one more last farewell tour around the house.  I felt like it was something I had to do.  Every room of the house had flashes of YM at the forefront.  His presence was overwhelming.  A small part of me felt kind of guilty leaving because it seemed like I was leaving him behind.  These days I always feel like I'm in a state of "limbo."  Sometimes I want to move forward because the memories make me feel like I died with YM.  But other times I don't want to move forward because I don't feel alive without holding on to those memories.  I know, my mind and heart is one big paradox.  But that's just the way I feel and I have to take the ride.

It's no secret that my time at this house was full of pain and sorrow.  But I couldn't deny the fact that God stretched my faith beyond measure even through my sinfulness.  Who am I to feel like I deserve a life free of sorrow?  God never promised us that.  He only promised that He would be faithful as we go through the trials.  And He did do that.  So even though my departure is sad right now, I know that the lessons learned are far more valuable and I can always take those with me no matter where I live.  So that's the point where I stopped weeping and got up to leave.  Before I closed the door, I remembered to take with me my treasures in jars of clay.