2 years ago today, the Lord took YM home.  I woke up this morning feeling all "bottled up."  These days have been pretty tough as I've been feeling very beaten down in many aspects.  Right now we're all sick, including myself.  As if life hasn't been hard enough as a healthy single mom.  I persevere with wavering moments of "why bother" when I feel like I fall short in every area of my life. I can never get over that feeling of "playing catch up" from the past few years of  being in survival mode. And I can never seem to shake off that feeling that I am always "behind" w/everything.  As much as I wanted to believe that it wouldn't be that hard to manage life w/out YM; I've been faced w/the reality that it's even harder than I ever imagined. 

This past Sunday, me & the kids planted a bed of flowers at YM's grave.  Nathan requested if it can just be our family b/c he was afraid to cry in front of other people.  So I attempted to garden on my own & had the kids pick out what they wanted.  I wanted to make it a very sentimental family time, but I nearly passed out from the heat & ended up with a headache which felt like someone was hammering my head.  I got very sick the next day and it took 4 days of Tylenol to get rid of that headache.  Joel ended up getting sick 2 weekends ago & eventually got the whole family sick.  Someone has always been home from school during these past 2 wks, all 3 kids are on the nebulizer, & night time routines have taken anywhere between 1-1/2 to 2 hrs. 

So up until this day, I've been feeling very spent.  The only thing I planned to do today was visit the cemetery w/the kids.  I was hoping we would all feel better, but I was barely able to get out of bed this morning.  Nathan woke up coughing miserably again.  And before he even got out of bed, he hollered to me from his room, "Mommy, I'm gonna pray for all of us right now that God will help us get better!"  Somehow in his 8 year old mind, he knew that our family has hit the brink and our only choice left was to take it to the Lord. 

As difficult as it was, we all managed to migrate over to the cemetery and there we arrived, sick & imperfect; face to face with the ultimate earthly symbol of YM's death.  But I was reminded once again of "ETERNITY."  Sometimes I lose sight of it b/c I get so caught up trying to catch up with life on earth & I end up trading my longing for eternity for the longing of trying to catch my breath (did you catch all that? )  I forget that life on this earth is a mere drop in the bucket compared to eternity. 



Today I opened up some of YM's memorabilia's.  And I rediscovered his collection of post it notes he wrote for me during our courtship.  Everyday from Dec 30, 1999 until May 31, 2000, he wrote little verses or inspiring thoughts for me.  And on May 6th, he wrote:

"Sing to the LORD, you saints of his;
praise His holy name.
For His anger lasts only a moment,
but His favor lasts a lifetime;
weeping may remain for a night,
but rejoicing comes in the morning."
                                    ~Psalm 30:4-5

YM left me with so many reminders to look to God.  I can kick & scream & cry a river all I want.  But at the end of the day, I'm left with 2 choices: seek God or don't seek God.  And seeking God today brought so much more peace in my heart.  We're all still sick.  Circumstances haven't changed, but my heart is still.  And I know where my real "home" will be.  See you "home" soon YM.  But in the meantime, I'm hanging in there.

I've worked so hard to sleep train Tabitha.  I've had to deal w/many nights of crying just so I can have my sanity at night when the kids were all asleep.  After we moved to our new house, she was finally able to get her own room & her own bed.  It was such a blessing that she was able to adapt to her own room so quickly.  Ever since I got her bed, she was able to sleep in it w/no problem at all.  Never once did she climb into my bed in the middle of the night.  But something tells me that I miss her more than she misses me. 

Last night I decided to throw all that sleep training out the window.  For some reason, I just didn't want to sleep in my own bed.  When I went to check on her b/4 turning in, I decided to snuggle up next to her.  Being squished beside her in her small twin size bed seemed so much more appealing than my large spacious bed.  It might've also have something to do w/her soft fluffy warm korean blanket.  I love korean blankets.  She felt like a warm teddy bear as I wrapped my arms around her.  While gazing into her peaceful sleeping face, all I kept thinking about was how she wasn't going to stay this young forever.  So I decided to throw out all that sleep training out the window for one night of cuddling w/my daughter. 

Life has been a big hustle & bustle for me.  I confess, sometimes I wish my kids would grow up quickly so life can just get easier for me.  But recently, I've been reminded to stop and just enjoy my young children and embrace their youthfulness. 

The other day I was going grocery shopping w/Tabitha.  I was struggling to get her feet into the shopping cart seat b/c her feet are gigantic.  A sweet little lady stopped to help me.  Then she started chatting away about how Tabitha reminded her of her granddaughter.  She was proud to say that her granddaughter, who is now 28 years old, is half-Asian.  I was enjoying my conversation w/her, but I have to admit, I was dying to go inside b/c it was freezing cold.  She was standing in front of me blocking the only entrance into the store, so I was at her mercy and didn't have a choice but to listen.  Then she wanted to show me a picture of her.  I was expecting to see a picture of a beautiful grown woman, but when she opened her wallet, I saw a little 4 year old girl.  And then she turned to me & said, "Enjoy them while they're young.  They grow up so fast."

I think training is important.  I commend parents who can sleep train and potty train their children very well.  I used to be very envious of moms who sleep trained their babies at 8 wks or potty trained them at 18 months.  But now it just doesn't seem to matter all that much anymore.  Maybe b/c I know that Tabitha is my last child.  Or maybe b/c I'm realizing there is more to life than just training.  All I can say is that I loved waking up to her pudgy smiling face this morning.

 
It's been awhile since I've updated.  Some nasty virus is making its round on my family.  My boys have missed school most of this past week and Tabitha started getting sick yesterday.  And today I started getting bodyaches and feeling a scratchy throat.  So I've been overdosing on ginger cinnamon honey tea in hopes of fighting this nasty virus that put my kids out of commission.  I know sometimes it's inevitable not to catch sicknesses that your kids get, but it couldn't hurt to try to fight it.  Alot more is at stake when a single parent gets sick.  So I'm armed with my ginger, cinnamon, honey, vitamin C, and immunity boost vitamins.  We'll see how it goes.

Daniel Johnson started a solo mission trip hiking across America to share the Gospel.  He started at Mars Hill, Maine on June 4th and is currrently around the Maryland area and is headed toward VA in the next couple days.  If you happen to run into him, show him your support.  I wish I had a chance to run into him when he was in NJ.  He typically camps out in a tent at night.  Feel free to buy him a meal or put him up in a more comfortable hotel once in awhile.  Although he wouldn't ask for it, I know he'll be grateful.   

Here's his link:  www.theTRUTHgroup.com

 

There's been a lot of changes in my life these days.  I'm currently living in transition.  I finally closed on my previous house, but now I'm waiting to close on my new house.  It's just taking alittle longer than expected.  In the meantime, we've been living at my brother's house.  My sister's family also moved out & they're living here too.  So we're just one big happy family here!  I'm thankful that I even have a roof over my head right now.

I also wanted to share a new & exciting opportunity that God gave me recently.  There's a new Christian music magazine called InnerVoice that just came out with their premiere issue.  It contains bios on Christian musicians, upcoming Christian events, & faith based stories/testimonies.  The hard copies came out already, but if you can't get a hold of one, you can check out their website at www.innervoicemag.com & subscribe to their online issues.  I'm excited about the magazine, but also tinged with a little sadness.  Originally, the founders of InnerVoice asked YM to write for them.  He was really excited about it too.  And now that the first issue came out, I can't help but think how much YM would've loved it.  It's another one of those big moments when I "wish he was here."  But as a child of God, I have to keep running this race & be faithful with what God gives me.  I was very honored that the staff asked me to be one of their writers.  I have the privilege of writing inspiring stories of faith.  I'm sure YM would've done a much better job than me, but I'll just do what I can.  So if you have any testimonies or stories that will encourage others to draw closer to God, you can contact me at anne@innervoicemag.com

Looking forward to hearing your stories......